Ian Andrew

This is rather a bit personal but I seriously doubt anyone I know will read this. A couple days ago I’ve done one of the most randomest things that I’ve ever done in my life, I had sex with a complete stranger that I’ve literally met the same day. To top it all off, she was on her rag which did not bother either of us at the time. To make things even weirder, I felt myself drawn to this person somehow on a level that I’ve yet to understand. During our breaks in between the sex, we discussed a lot of things that I found fascinating. We talked about cars, bands, life, relationships, etc. What I found interesting was that we both shared a strong dislike over “Asian things”, had trouble finding people that are into our the type of scenes we were into, and we both had a tendency of getting into new interests and then dropping them as soon as we find a new type of thing to get into. Although she pretty much carried on the conversation, I had no problem in that. She had a lot of things to talk about and I was pretty much the guy trying to understand as well as learn from this woman. Unfortunately, she did have a flight to catch in the morning to the Philippines so the encounter had to be cut short which is too bad because I can honestly see myself wanting to hang around this person a lot more. With that being said, I will see you in again hopefully in September Ms. A, hopefully you would actually be down to reconnect again.

P.S.

Ms. A, don’t you go forgetting about me, we have some unfinished business to attend to.

It’s been awhile since I’ve wrote anything on here so here goes. My life for the past three months has had it’s fair share of ups and downs. I’ve got into a pseudo relationship that I thought was gonna last for awhile but turned awkward towards the end which left me with a lot of unanswered questions, completed an internship for a radio station which will most likely hire me within a few weeks from now, got into a deck building card game that my friends and I play on a weekly basis, gotten closer than I ever thought possible with friends I’ve known for awhile, seeing a bunch of new people, bought a car, lost thousands of dollars at the casino, realized a bunch of things about myself that I never noticed before, and I’m currently in the process of switching schools. At the time of writing of this I’m neither happy nor sad about how my life is, if anything I’m more anxious about what’s to come. Aside from my condition, nothing in my life ever feels like a routine, for the most part I do whatever the hell I want. Going back to the part where I’m discussing seeing a bunch of new people, it’s a very exciting yet anxiety forming thing to do. Truth is, I simply want a good healthy relationship with a girl of the opposite sex. My ideal woman would be someone who doesn’t care if I drive a Honda or BMW, likes the same or somewhat the same music that I’m into, has a lot of things in common with me, doesn’t care about my weird habits or quirks, and is preferably Caucasian, Latina, or Asian. I don’t think this is much of a high criteria for a woman at all, it’s all a matter of a girl completely catching eye and having the same mutual feelings that I do.

These days I’ve been neglecting the thing I used to be obsessed with in my younger years, my health. I remember back then when I first decided to lose weight in High School, I would be obsessed about staying healthy by doing eating right and exercising everyday. I would rarely miss a work out and I would be a little irritated if I did. I don’t have an excuse why I’ve neglected my old healthy habits but I guess it’s partly to due with a series of unfortunate events that caused me to just not care about life anymore at the time. I learned and realized today after my first bible study is that the number one thing that we all need to focus on is our health. This is very important and I refuse to no longer be too caught up in getting ahead in life too quickly. I need to learn to enjoy my life more and just live carefree knowing that I’m being taken care of by God. Success will come in time, all I need to focus now is on creating a sense in balance in my life that will be prioritized in this order; God, myself, family, work, friends, and misc. relationships. It’s going to take sometime getting used to this whole new way of life but I know that if I stick with it, I’ll be a lot more happier than I am now. With that being said, cheers to a brand new life, and may all my dreams come true!

I’ve noticed from these last few weeks I’m slowly starting to find a balance in my life. Being at bible study for the first time today made me realize what I’ve been missing my whole life. The simple thing that I didn’t really think of before that was missing in life was a personal relationship with God. From this realization I’ve decided to prioritize my life in this order starting today; God, myself, family, friends, and misc. relationships. I never really had a lot of guidance growing up due to my parents hardly being around due to jobs and or health problems. Growing up I didn’t have a lot of people personally to look up to and learn from. Based on what I’ve been discussing with my therapist as well as reflecting on how my life has been, I’ve came to the conclusion that the accumulation of all those things caused me to become the socially anxious and depressed adult that I am today. I didn’t really have a person I can really learn from so I pretty much kept to myself. I admit that I’m making slow progress these days but I still have a long way to go. Finding God I believe I will find it easier for me to combat and deal with my anxiety. Just realizing that God has a plan for me and he didn’t want me to suffer for no reason is something I have yet to fully understand, but just knowing that this is the case engulfs my soul in a feeling of relief. With that being said, I will work my hardest in this current life in order to successfully serve God in the afterlife. I will try to rid myself of any excuses that I’ve made in the past and I will work as if God is watching my every move.

So after today’s session, I’ve realized a lot about myself as well as people around me. Certain people I know as well as myself are a certain way due to how we were raised and one can’t really change that fact. Some of us were deprived of certain things so called “normal” children would have and it carries on into our adult lives. I’ve noticed how it affects me but I accept it. Knowing how it affects me in my adult life helps in a sense that I can find a way to slowly build myself back up. With this knowledge of these techniques, I can slowly become more at ease and comfortable with myself. Moving on to something a little more positive, I’m excited about some recent calculations I’ve done in my financial situation. If everything works out, by the end of the month I should have enough to finally put a down payment on a car, down payment for an apartment in North Park, miscellaneous bills, with about a grand left over every month to do whatever I want with. I can tell in the next few months I’ll be even more happy about life then I already am. The possibilities are endless! :D

Life is an emotional roller coaster, one minute you’re feeling on top of the world, the next minute you feel like everything you’ve done was a waste. It’s really tough to not dwell on what you’re feeling but you need to get over it. It’s okay to go through days of feeling completely cynical because that will eventually pass and cycle back to feeling in top of the world again. It’s the confusing part of being alive. Personally it sucks to be feeling negative about everything but at the same time I feel relieved because I am actually feeling alive. I found that when I actually am feeling something, I turn around and some sort of inspiration is waiting for me. The trick is to not being so blind at recognizing it and taking up that opportunity no questions asked.

So yeah I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what my ideal girl would be and I came to this conclusion. I need someone that is attractive, intelligent, preferably white or anything non Asian, balanced in life, has good taste in music, out spoken, puts up with my tendency to over analyze things, and appreciates as well as helps me get out my unorthodox ideas out there. All those traits are very important and I would say I would not commit to anything but that.